Dateline - "Infatuation"
This is going to be a 2 hour documentary about Flutterby727
I'm frightened to see this. I don't know if I can. It's so very different to watch a show about someone who you cared about... And its so very different than an accident or 'natural causes'--
I have problems saying the "M" word when speaking about her--its like the words are kind of foreign, clumsy, or they fade in my mouth draining my voice--when I do speak it-- it sounds forced and it feels like an explosion of just the gravity of what that word means just implodes inside my head and all around me--just the whole weight of what happened to her... Shelley was one of the first followers of my comic. She was so supportive-- I would often write and draw the comic thinking about her "wow I can't wait to see what she thinks of this!"-- she would ask questions about how to draw something--or things about writing a silly parody comic of TZH-- But now I'm wracking my brain and struggling to remember and preserve all the little pieces of contact I have had with her-- I haven't deleted any of Shelley's emails--but I'm afraid to read them-- I hope my responses we good-- I can't remember--which upsets me even more--not remembering everything-- I want to believe desperately that I was a good friend or even an acquaintance to her. But I don't know--and probably never will.
I'll have nightmares about it--cruel nightmares where I save her and everything is okay, or ones where she's missing and it's my fault that I can't find her before it's too late. I'm mad at myself for taking her friendship for granted--for not getting to know her better when she was alive--I'm mad at the monster who took her from her mom and dad, her sisters, and the rest of her family--I'm mad at the fact that I feel so helpless and isolated--I know how long you grieve isn't a measurement on how much you loved someone, I know there is no such thing as closure just 'a new normal' but its really hard to stop reading the book of pain so much and put it back on the shelf when you feel like you don't have all the answers-- because the book is just a bunch of blank pages-- of whats, why's, and what-could-have been.